return my video game
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
