we're chasing vodka with high fives
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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