grandma shit on top of the toilet
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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