My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
