I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
