New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
