What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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