Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
