so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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