I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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