Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
