insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
