the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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