I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
