My friends, they love my intelligence
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
