I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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