Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
This is classic penis vs brain.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
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