STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
