Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
