We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
