you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
