I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
