Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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