Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
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