my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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