I can't watch pbs sober anymore
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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