someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
