note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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