I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
