I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
