Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
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