we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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