I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
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