we're chasing vodka with high fives
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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