Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
