I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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