i love accidental penises.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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