Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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