i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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