and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
