How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Someone shattered a urinal.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Blood and glitter go together right?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
