You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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