I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Bring me that man meat
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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