I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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