Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
