I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
