So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Randomize
