Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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