we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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