Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
