I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
this just has baby written all over it
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
