Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
