I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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